The Soliloquy of a Seeker

It is 2 am.

`

And I am wide awake.

The only other creature awake seems to be the daddy longlegs. The house is silent.

There is nowhere left to hide from my own thoughts.

Almost without thinking, I find myself chanting the Japanese phrase that translates to:

"I am the heir of my own karma."

Another teaching from an Indian saint enters my mind:

"Feed Everyone. Love Everyone."*

Such simple words.

Only four words.

Yet they feel impossibly large.

Could I truly feed everyone?

Perhaps.

At least that is what I tell myself.

But then honesty begins to whisper.

How often have I looked away when someone experiencing homelessness asked me for money to buy food? How often have I questioned their motives? How often have I silently judged instead of simply seeing another human being? Recently, I saw a cleanly dressed woman asking for the leftovers that a passerby was carrying in his hand from a restaurant; of course, I wasted no time in judging her.

Maybe feeding everyone is not as easy as I imagined.

Then comes the second instruction.

Love Everyone.

This one is even harder.

For years I carried a comfortable image of myself. I believed I was a person who generally liked everyone. I told myself there weren't many people I truly disliked.

But quiet moments have a way of dissolving comfortable illusions.

When I honestly examine my own mind, I discover irritation, judgment. People I avoid. People I silently criticize.

Perhaps I do not dislike many people.

But loving everyone?

That is another matter entirely.

I find myself asking:

How do I transform this heart that hesitates to give?

How do I soften a mind that still judges?

How do I learn to love those who are not easy to love?

And then an even deeper question arises.

What did that saint see that I do not?

What realization made these words so effortless that they could be spoken in a single sentence?

Perhaps "Feed Everyone. Love Everyone." is not a command at all.

Perhaps it is the natural expression of someone who no longer experiences a boundary between "me" and "them."

Maybe when we truly see ourselves in another person, feeding them feels no different than feeding our own child. Loving them feels no different than caring for our own family.

Perhaps the saint simply saw more clearly.

At 2 in the morning, I cannot say that I have found the answer.

The daddy longlegs is still around.

The house remains quiet.

The questions remain.

But perhaps the questions themselves are the path.

What is it that allows a human being to love without exception?

What is it that dissolves judgment into compassion?

I do not yet know.

But tonight, in the silence, I find myself asking:

What is it?

What is it?

*: Neem Karoli Baba's full saying is, "Love Everyone, Feed Everyone, Serve Everyone, and Remember God." This early in the morning, my thinking was fuzzy and all I could remember chanting was, "Feed Everyone, Love Everyone."

#Neemkarolibaba #love #babaramdaas